Friday, July 19, 2002
This just in from local correspondent A.nonymous:
Canberra is in mourning today after the mecca of social life in the Canberra/Quenbeyan/Gungalin community was dealt a devistating blow as MOOSEHEADS was burnt down on Thursay night.
‘It’s devastatin”, says Sharon from Kambah, ‘Where am I gonna get my next root from’?
The Chief Minister Garry Humpries had demanded a Royal Commission into the incident, ‘Canberra has’t seen anything like this since the cancellation of the National Birdman Rally’.
As a result of the fire, the waiting line at In Blue (formerly Pandoras) and Bobby McGees blew out to astronomical proportions, ‘This is bullshit,’ said Patto from Ngunawall, ‘I’ve been waiting here 4 hours to get a shag in the alleyway’.
Then frustration turned into violence as news spread about a burbon shortage at all drinking holes, which resulted in a rampage through Glebe park as severerly under-intoxicated Canberran tipped over an Action bus and broke in to the legislative assemby in desperate search of an alleged Mr Jim Bean and Mrs Southern Comfort.
‘Fuck this shit,’ said ex-Canberra Raider and Leader of the Opposition Rob ‘Ugly’ Dorfo, ‘How am I gonna beat the crap out of strangers sober? This is un-Australian.’
Police suspect the fire was started by a lethal mixture of bile, rum, brut aftershave, urine and ‘Charnies’ (residents of Charnwood).
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